Shake it

Have you seen the kind of flashlights that shake up? They’re very cool and handy. No batteries included, required, implied, or even inferred. Now, what if everything was shake up?Want to use your computer? On the road with no place to charge it? Simply shake it up! [Admittedly, this may damage your files, hard drive, memory, and all that other stuff they list on the side of the box to make you think it’s top-of-the-line, but this is a small price to pay for rechargeable computers, right?) What about shake up blenders? Or mixers? Ignore all those poor, backwards people who would point out the inconsequential fact that you could mix the food yourself with the same amount of energy. Those people simply don’t know progress when they see it. Those are the same people who probably objected to the Zune and other items that have undoubtedly changed history, like the rubber chicken. Imagine if they had shake-up cars! Imagine the free energy! Just lift up your car and shake it every three months or 3,ooo miles, whichever comes first. This may be a little hard on the back, but hey, it could fix the obesity crisis at the same time! It’s a self sustaining paradox, all the people to lazy to walk would end up becoming far more fit than those who aren’t. Things that absolutely have to be plugged in might exist, but we could convert the generators themselves to shake up power! (All together now…) which would create valuable jobs in the economy.The Shake-up Revolution would be even further furthered by having machines that automatically shake up things for you. Ah, I can just imagine the info-mercials now… *Wavy flashback effect* Blatantly tired people shaking their high tech appliances groan. Then some guy who flunked out of college for talking in class gets up and says “TIRED OF SHAKING ALL THOSE APPLIANCES BY HAND? THIS IS BIG LOUDGUY HERE TO TELL YOU HOW I MADE A FORTUNE ON MY AMAZING NEW PRODUCT: SHAKEZE!!! OBSERVE HOW THE SAME MUNDANE TASK IS MADE EASY AND FASCINATING BY A CHEAP PLASTIC ARM AND SOME BLINKING LIGHTS! AND IT’S COMPLETELY BATTERY FREE! ALL YOU DO IS SHAKE IT UP AND IT WILL DO THE WORK FOR YOU! IF YOU’RE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITH THIS PRODUCT, IT WOULD MAKE A GREAT TOY TO DISTRACT THE CAT! ALL THIS FOR THE PRICE OF, NOT $50, NOT $30, BUT ONLY $20 DOLLARS! $300 dollars shipping and handling. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! IF YOU CALL NOW WE’LL INCLUDE A SECOND ONE FREE-FREE-free!!! AND WE’LL EVEN INCLUDE AN ITEM FROM MY LAST MAIL ORDER ITEM THAT BOMBED, THE BLINKY HAT LIGHT. IF YOU’VE EVER WANTED BLINKING CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS ON A TACKY, OVERPRICED TOURIST HAT, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN IN THE NEXT 0.008 MILISECONDS! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY IF IT’S NOT THEIR LUNCH BREAK RIGHT NOW! AS A REMINDER, YOU GET (repeat almost entire eight minute commercial) FOR ONLY $20! blah blah blah must be eighteen or over to call. *Wavy out of flashback effect*Once your eardrums recover, you will hopefully see the light and find yourself wishing you’d bought that automatic commercial muter you saw on the last infomercial. (Why don’t they make those?) Join me to march on Washington demanding that a bill be passed to make all electronics shake-up. Everybody’s invited next thursday and refreshments will be served. Thank you for your time.


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