Deep, Dark, Secrets.

We are all victim to a vast government conspiracy. Millions of people go about their daily lives, blissfully unaware of the Grocery Underground. Ever wondered why you can’t get the same number of buns and hot dogs unless you buy a ridiculous number of them? (Four packs of buns, and three of hot dogs, for a total of 24 each)
Hmm? I’ll tell you why! TO MAKE PEOPLE HAVE TO BUY A RIDICULOUS NUMBER OF THEM! You would think that some enterprising entrepeneur would have thought – “Why don’t I manufacture a Picnic Pack ™, or something like that, with the same number of hot dogs and buns? People would buy my product more than anybody elses, because they wouldn’t have to buy so much to get an even number! I could even throw in a bottle of mustard!”
Well, someone did. His name was Führter, Frank Führter (Please pardon the pun, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental and also somewhat pitiful. Poor guy, I hope nobody ever gets named that :P)
So he found funding from a well meaning source that had no idea of the existence of the Meat Vendors Mafia. (It’s surprising how many people are unaware of such “Institutions”, actually) and also knew nothing of the eventual retaliation that would come from the The Bakers’ Mob! Mr. Fuhrter was run out of the country, or else he would have been another victim of a yet another drive-by ketchuping
The Bakers Mob and the Meat Vendor Mafia had a secret agreement, for longer than anyone would dare think, mere years after the Illustrious Earl of Sandwich graced the world with the glorious comestible conglomeration (somehow I don’t think that name will catch on,) known to people around the globe as the sandwich.
Unfortunately, the “Golden Years” as they came to be known, of the sandwich legacy were short. The Butchers Guild and the Bakery Union quickly formented a rebellion, conspiring to cheat the people out of their hard earned cash. Soon they were growing fat and prosperous, and survived from one generation to the next, thriving on people who noticed somthing was amiss, but having no idea how deep the conspiracy went.
Today they still survive, exchanging payments and messages in bottles of mustard and relish, respectively, and continuing their operations. There are other food collaborations, as well. Some are highly insidious. Have you noticed you almost never have enough lunch meat in one container to service a whole loaf’s worth of sandwiches? Or never enough dip for all the chips, or even worse, vice versa? (You can eat the chips by themselves, but having two ounces of sour cream, chives, and garlic dip? Most people aren’t going to want to eat that by itself.) Take what happened to one early settler. Living in Boston just before the revolution, Mr. Jonathon Botswain decided to sell loaves of bread with free pork rinds. But one day, Mr. Botswain was minding his own buisness, and was abducted by two men in a large black cart. (Ominous black vans hadn’t been invented yet) In a secret trial, he was found guilty of Life, Liberty, and three Charges of Pursuit of Happiness, and was deported to Africa.. Only one thing can be done to stop the menacing corporate mammoths, Don’t eat any food for the rest of your life! Even becoming a vegetarian won’t stop them. (The produce section has it’s own gangs. Where do you think pickles came from? Brined cucumbers? Well, yes, but only captured cucumbers from rival gangs) Yes, not eating for the remainder of your life is the only thing one can do. Admittedly, the rest of your life may be a brief period, if one abstains from food, but what better cause to be a martyr for? What greater inspiration can a man have, than to see the dream of a country where food, bought and paid for, does not, repeat not have to buy more to balance it out? What greater devotion to a cause can a man have that is more than this? To end corporate oppression? THINK OF THE FOUNDING FATHERS!!! ARE YOU PREPARED TO GIVE YOUR LIFE FOR THIS CAUSE? REMEMBER THE ALAMO, AND SUPPORT YOUR COUNTRY!”
(Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go to the store. I’m about to have a barbeque, and I didn’t get enough buns for the hot dogs)

[P.S., I’m not responsible for the death of anyone who follows the exhortation above. Don’t kill yourself over hot dogs. The Meat Vendors Mafia does enough of that already.]


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