(How To Be) Politically Correct

“Politically Correct.” That’s a pretty good oxymoron, huh? (More on oxymorons in another post) Quick Poll: The purpose of political correctness is either to: A) Avoid dispute or conflict, or, B) Make yourself as confusing as possible while doing A).
You chose B? That’s not much of a surprise. Being Politically Correct is mostly baloney from people who can’t just say something straight. In a recent survey, 82.3% of all Americans agree with that statement (BTW, on an “unrelated” side note, 47.28% of all statistics are made up on the spot.) Honestly, can’t we call someone a “jerk“, instead of say, an “Antisocial Individual?” or a “Politician?” By the time the Pentagon gets through something, it’s so garbled, that there’s no point in having it. Maybe they’re working on a secret code! I would guess that they figure, “Heck, if Americans can’t figure out what this means, Why should the enemy do any better?” The only drawback to such a system would be that it would require an English Major to translate it.
But don’t worry! You too can be Politically Correct! Why, you ask? Let’s give some examples:
*You want to tell someone something without your kid being able to understand you (Not like they do anyway)
*You are posting something on the Internet and don’t want angry people to hack your computer, steal your identity, kidnap your relatives, and steal all your stuff (not nessecarily in that order)
*You are running for office (the main reason)
So, the main thing is a thesaurus.
A thesaurus is invaluable to being politically correct. First, choose a word that means almost the same thing you mean to say. Never use the exact word you mean to use, as someone else could look your word up in their thesaurus, and find out what you mean. It’s all verbal warfare. So, use your thesaurus to find your word, then look up that word and use the longest one listed. Example: say you want to say you’re “angry“. First, look up “angry” in your new favorite book, and choose, for example, “annoyed“, or even better, “displeased“, because it’s less emotionally loaded, and that is one of the main purposes of being P.C. So, now, look up “displeased”, and choose the fanciest/longest equivalent availiable, although in this case, ‘displeased’ will do.
Once you have a list of all the ten-dollar words you need, you will have to put them together. Political Grammar is very different from normal grammar, because in being politically correct, the purpose is to confuse, obfuscate, and cause others to misinterpet (anybodies flaws, except for their rivals’s [don’t say anything positive about those sickos. (A.K.A. socially defunct humanity lacking organizations)]
Now, for a final demonstration.
Let’s change “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs.” into a Politically Correct Statement the CIA, IRS, or Senate would be proud of!
“The individual hereinafter referred to as the fox (fox intended to represent the individual known as Quick B. Fox, for reasons of brevity and convenience) being previously denominated by third-party indivduals as Café Au Lait (the particular shade also being referred to as chestnut, umber, or brunette, as well as other colloquial terms too numerous to mention in this article (see Pentagon Document #B-685-pI-[92.5] for more details concerning this shade), (Go ahead and make references to documents no one will look up, it also makes you sound more official) and also being alluded to in common and popular definitions as an allegedly “rapid-conveyence gifted” individual, exercising his legal rights pertaining to freedom of movement and expression, made a motion in the direction of a number of mixed-breed individuals, culminating in a rapid gain in vertical orientation, and completed the manuever by arriving safely at the currently confidential, although intended, location. Witnesses have alluded that the number of certain individuals known by the common name of “dog” were motivationally challenged, in a joint collaboration, and suffered from a lack of initiative, resulting in the sucess of the fox’s mission, as currently supported by recent accounts brought to our knowledge from which we have obtained a realization of the foxs wellbeing.”
There! Much better! It even still has all the letters of the alphabet. Just add a reserved rights and etc. legal form to the end, and maybe throw in some Latin phrases to taste, and you’ve got yourself a “POLITICALLY CORRECT DOCUMENT“!
Until next time, farewell, go and make the world a more confusing place, my gender-differentiated, X-chromosome deficient underage individual, whose parentage has been confirmed as belonging to an adult individual of whom guardianship and custody of said previously mentioned youth has been endowed! (A.K.A, “Farewell, my son!”)

See you tomorrow!


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